With 1 text message and a 13 minute phone call, my world fell apart. In that short time, the man I love with all of my heart told me that we were going to be no more.
I could go into more detail about it but I won’t right now. It is entirely too painful. Now I want to focus on the next 48 hours. I am not entirely sure I have ever been as overwhelmed by love and been so proud of myself as I was as I went through that time.
As soon as we hung up the phone, I immediately called my friend Keet. She is both one of my dearest friends but also physically the closest friend to my house. I told her what happened, she asked if she should come over, I said yes and 10 minutes later she was here with a bag packed, ready to spend the night. I poured myself a drink, she sat me down, asked me what happened and listened as I recounted my worst nightmare come true. She held me while I sobbed that night, while I repeated over and over again that I didn’t understand what was happening. She made sure I didn’t make any poor choices in terms of comments on Facebook or sending text messages. She put me to bed at 3 am, slept next to me and when she woke up to my crying Saturday morning, held me while I cried some more.
Around 8:30 that morning, I called my therapist to tell her what happened and to see if she had an appointment earlier than our currently scheduled one. Keet held my hand while I called my mom and told her. Then she took over my day. I was completely incapable of making decisions so she did it for me. She reviewed the messages I sent him to arrange picking up my things. She made me try to eat throughout the day. She went with me to his house to get my things and gave me the space to handle that however I needed to. She helped me arrange friends to come over that evening and made sure I wasn’t alone that night. That evening a number of friends gathered at my house. They sat with me while I sat catatonic on the couch. They held me while I cried. They held my hand in random moments. They gave me wine but an equal amount of water. I got passed off to Wendy who spent the night with me as well.
Sunday morning, I went to my church and was held and loved by some of my dearest women friends. I was shepherded through a local restaurant festival so I could have something to do. I went from one friend’s house to another because I wasn’t ready to be home and alone. I had slept about 5 hours the previous 2 nights and I didn’t want to come home, fall asleep and risk screwing up my sleep schedule even more, which is honestly a joke right now. I decided that I’m not drinking for a few weeks because it would be entirely too easy to numb the pain and then make some truly foolish choices. I want so badly to act maturely and with great integrity through this process. I don’t hate him. I love him with all of my heart. He was the man I have been searching for. I haven’t spoken to him since the end of that call, I may at some point want to do that because I think I am going to need some closure to understand what happened. But for now I need to protect my heart because it absolutely could not withstand more hurt right now.
Over the last 48 hours, I have tried to do everything I can to care for myself and help myself work through this. I know that eventually this hurt will subside and not feel as all consuming as it feels right now. Soon I’ll be able to eat again, sleep again and smile again. But for now I will focus on the minute by minute it takes to get through it and lean on those who love me – which luckily for me, is many.
I'm a single lady living in the suburbs of Philadelphia with 2 cats named Leo and Toby (after characters on "The West Wing" - one day I will have the ability to recite the entire series by heart.That's a noble goal, yes?).
I've had a varied career doing a bunch of technical stuff that isn't that interesting to folks who aren't doing it but my real passion is writing.I also get the fabulous pleasure of coaching people from time to time and that brings me amazing joy and energy.
If you want to hang with me there are things you should know:I curse.A lot.I like hoppy beer.A lot.I like big and deep red wines. A lot. I adore my friends.A lot, a lot.I am passionate about politics (or a big geek about them - you choose).I'm an accidental but rather passionate Unitarian and few things make me happier than my dining room table surrounded by people I love.And picking paint colors, let's not forget that. Find me online here.