…or got it in the first place.
For a very long time, I believed with all of my heart that I was terrible in bed. It’s not that I don’t have a dirty mind. I do. It’s not that I don’t know what makes me feel good, I do. I’m quite well versed in that. But I had struggled for years to combine great sex with emotional connection. For some odd reason it was easier for me to have great sex with a stranger than to have sex with someone I truly loved. The vulnerability was almost too much.
Trying to marry being a sexual being while not being the ideal of female beauty has been a challenge for me. I’m a big girl. I just am. I am girl next door cute. I’m fun and I’m funny and I’m sweet and I’m loving but since I don’t look a certain way, I always assumed that meant that no one would find me attractive. And for years it didn’t matter that clearly men did. I could very easily discount my own sex appeal because of some bullshit that’d been programmed into my brain. Not a great place to start when trying to get my groove on.
But even if I could get it together, I still believed I sucked at sex. I was insecure. I struggled to ask for what I wanted or needed. But more than that, I struggled with feeling worthy of that part of my life. Of feeling good enough to enjoy my body and that of my partner. I would rarely get fully naked with someone. I would prefer to have sex with the lights off. I would keep my eyes closed as much as humanly possible – as if I could convince myself if I couldn’t see him, he couldn’t see me and somehow that made it better.
About two years ago or so, I was talking about this subject with a friend of mine. And she shared something with me that was profoundly life changing. A partner of hers had once told her “a woman who wants to have sex is sexy”. That seemed entirely too simple but quite often simplicity is true. And this felt right. I had cheered on women in my circle who were the antithesis of “beauty” to be loved and get their groove on and yet… that somehow didn’t apply to me. At one point I spent the night with someone I loved very fiercely and when discussing this quandary I found myself in he said, “you may not be the most kinky person I’ve been with (and I wouldn’t want you to be) but you are the most passionate and loving woman I have been with. Love just pours out of you as you make love that it almost overwhelming at times.”
I can be my own worst critic but thems are some reviews that are difficult to argue. So what if I stopped arguing. What if I just began to accept that the reviews of others could maybe, just maybe hold the same weight as my own personal reviews. Why is everyone wrong about me but I’m completely right. And then it was as if a switch happened. I won’t say that it was a complete and total fix. Do I have moments of insecurity? Hell yes. When I get naked with someone for the first time, I have a moment of terror. Then I remind myself that he is likely having his own moment of terror about whatever he is insecure about within himself. All of us have some level of insecurity. All of us have the ability to be completely and totally vulnerable. All of us have things about ourselves that we would like to be different. But all of us – so deeply at our core – want to be seen and to be loved. It sounds so amazingly simple and yet at times it can prove to be so amazingly difficult.
We all like different things. We can’t be afraid to ask for what works for us. No one’s body is right or wrong. If it feels good for you? It is right. If it doesn’t? It is wrong (for you). But you have to speak up for yourself. Your partner can’t read your mind. And if you don’t ask for what you want – you can’t be angry if someone doesn’t meet your needs. And don’t be afraid to ask your partner what they want. All of us can use a little coaxing at times. And in fact, that coaxing can be some amazingly great foreplay.
So go….talk to your partner, ask him/her what curls their toes and go get your groove on – I may just do exactly the same.
Photo Credit: xshamethestrongx via Creative Commons
I'm a single lady living in the suburbs of Philadelphia with 2 cats named Leo and Toby (after characters on "The West Wing" - one day I will have the ability to recite the entire series by heart.That's a noble goal, yes?).
I've had a varied career doing a bunch of technical stuff that isn't that interesting to folks who aren't doing it but my real passion is writing.I also get the fabulous pleasure of coaching people from time to time and that brings me amazing joy and energy.
If you want to hang with me there are things you should know:I curse.A lot.I like hoppy beer.A lot.I like big and deep red wines. A lot. I adore my friends.A lot, a lot.I am passionate about politics (or a big geek about them - you choose).I'm an accidental but rather passionate Unitarian and few things make me happier than my dining room table surrounded by people I love.And picking paint colors, let's not forget that. Find me online here.