Since the announcement of my divorce, I have sought some much needed counseling to help me work through and process the emotional overload and baggage that is weighing on my mind. It has been really helpful and I am starting to see things in ways that I didn’t use to. I’m also getting back to the mindset of when I was most happy in my life. With that being said let me clarify what I mean by I would not be friends with me.
As I’ve stated before I am really hard on myself and super critical of everything I do. I have to be perfect! My therapist made me name this part of me – his name is Bob. I’m in constant battle with Bob like a giant dueling death match – picture WWE on steroids! Bob is cunning, skillful and versed in the ways of battle. He knows my weaknesses and exploits them every chance he gets. Bob has an unfair advantage, he teams up with the bully inside me. His name is Johnny. Johnny is mean, critical and spiteful. He too knows my weaknesses and uses my insecurities against me. He your typical school yard bully but he does much more to me than take my lunch money.
Johnny likes to make fun of me. “You’re too fat! Look at you, who would ever love this?” “You’re a bad mom. Look at how you just yelled at your kid and made him cry.” “You will never be anything in life.” “You are not worthy of love, happiness or forgiveness.” “Bob is right, you’ll never be perfect, just give up already.”
These are the things that this bully inside my head tells me. Bob and Johnny team up against me all the time, telling me all kinds of horrible things about myself. We all know that if you hear things enough, you start to believe them. Seriously though, if my “friend” talked to me the way I talk to me – I would not be friends with them! I would not be friends with me! Who wants to listen to that kind of crap every day? No one – that’s who! I would never be this mean to my friends or family. I am always trying to find ways to lift them up and encourage them. I love them and want to see them happy! Why do I talk to myself that way? Why can’t I be nice to me?
Well, like every school yard bully, Johnny and Bob can be taken down. And they are about to get a slice of humble pie. This week my therapist challenged me to write down a conversation that I have with Johnny. When he starts in on me, I have to talk him down. I have to stand up to the bully! Well, on paper anyways. I think it will be interesting to see the real me combat the bully me. It’s time I start being nicer to the person that looks back at me in the mirror. It’s time I start loving myself. It’s time I became the friend to myself and treated myself the way I treat those I love.
I know we can all be critical of ourselves, it is human nature I think. Consider for just moment how you treat yourself. Would you be friends with you? If not, I encourage you to find out why, name that bully side of you and take the steps to overcome. It won’t be easy, this is years of bullying I need to work through, but when we start to love ourselves we take the bully’s power over us. We have so many people around us that see the good in us, it’s time we see it too. It’s time to believe it and be our own BFF!
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