As many of us do in the New Year, I find myself thinking about the year ahead and all the possibilities inherent in a fresh 365 days. And, as many of us do, I also find myself reflecting back on the past 365 days, enjoying all of the good memories and hoping to gain as much insight and wisdom as I can from the experiences I have had. For me, 2014 was a game changer, but not in the way I expected at this time last year.
I used to be a New Year’s Resolution junkie. Every New Year I’d set a list of goals, lengthy and mostly unrealistic, and every year I ditched the list not even ten days in. And leading up to 2014, there was not much difference, except that I had set some big goals. Not just unrealistic, but, like, really BIG goals. And I had really hyped myself up about them. I was on fire, revved up, wanting to just smash them and punch fear in the face and yadda yadda yadda (you get the picture, right?). And out of all of the goals I set for 2014, as with most previous years, I met exactly none. I didn’t lose weight and get in amazing shape. My house is no more organized than it was a year ago. I didn’t explode my business. I didn’t get out of debt. I didn’t didn’t didn’t.
The thing is, when I look back at myself at this time last year, and all the New Years’ previous, what I see now at the bottom of all those goals and hype was a need to prove my worthiness. To finally, FINALLY show the world and show myself that I am worthy. Worthy to be loved. Worthy of belonging. Worthy of all the things I dream of. What happened instead was a different kind of journey. You see, in the fall of 2012, I had decided to leave a job I was unhappy at after my second maternity leave. I had ended up starting my own home-based business and realized when struggling to find success in it that I really needed to sort out my shit. So I had made the decision to go on a journey of self-discovery (and shit sorting). Which led to the first half of 2014 when I ended up attending approximately eleventy billion** workshops focusing on personal and business development.
This process of self-discovery was not easy. It can be extremely uncomfortable to face ourselves and the masks we wear. As the year went on, however, and as I continued on my journey, sometimes feeling as if I were fumbling along in the dark, I gradually felt lighter. Even when walking through the dark patches, I felt lighter. I felt like I was able, finally, to let go of a lot of things I had been carrying for a very long time, and heal a lot of wounds. And what I gradually discovered along the way is that actually I am worthy. I don’t need to earn it or prove my worthiness in any way. I just need to own it. To know that I am worthy of love, belonging and achieving my dreams, whatever they may be. We all are. Of course, this is a process and some days it is easier for me to remember my worthiness than others. But at least when I remind myself of the fact, more often than not I believe myself.
So when it comes to 2015, well… a lot of my goals are actually pretty similar to last year’s. I have BIG dreams. But the difference is that I’m no longer coming from a place of needing to prove something. Now I’m coming from a place of knowing who I am, what I have to offer, and what my vision and passion leads me to create in my life and in my world. I’m not saying I’ll achieve every lofty goal I’ve set this year. And I’m okay with that. It may take longer or I may eventually decide change course. Because for once as I am moving forward towards my dreams, I am also enjoying the journey of every day, knowing that no matter what I am enough just as I am.
**number may be exaggerated, maybe it just felt like that at times
Elizabeth Holt Handlovsky
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