I thought that when it was over I’d be crushed, as I usually am, but that was not the case. I found peace in my solitude. I found that although our love was short, it had been a beautiful place for me to transform and I owe you a great gratitude for that.
In your odd compulsive ways, I found things in myself that I would never have seen. I learnt that by making your bed in the morning, though I mocked you for it most of the time, when I started putting it into practice in my life, I felt a calm when I went to bed at night. That somehow even though my life was filled with a craziness that was out of my control, I could just crawl into this one peaceful place and let that calmness wash over me. And slowly it became a way for me to let go of the turmoil that surrounds me.
In your silence I learnt to listen to my intuition, because sometimes that’s all I had to rely on. I learnt that it’s OK to just sit on the porch with a cup of tea and that you don’t always need words to feel connected. I also learnt though, that sometimes silence can be crippling. I’ve learnt to speak more freely and not to fear my insecurities or the reactions others might have to my thoughts. And in this place where we often sat in silence, I learnt to trust myself.
Somewhere in the midst of our relationship, I became aware of the fact that it didn’t matter if others did not see my strength, because I was strong in was that are not easily explained. I accepted that I was human and that showing my vulnerability allowed me to embrace the warrior inside me. I became aware that others will see me how they want, and I cannot change their perception of me. I fell in love with the woman I am, and let go of the person I thought others wanted to see in me. And I forgive you for the limitations of your own illustration of me. I understand that it is not easy to look past the rough edges of a cocoon and see the beauty of a butterfly that has not yet emerged. Not everyone can watch such a delicate creature struggle and see the beauty in that journey.
From your touch I learnt a sweetness I’d never felt before, a mixture of tenderness and passion. I found the type of love that I had longed for, and realized that this too could be temporary. I remembered how you kissed me and how each time it reached me on a subconscious level, and wanted those moments to never end. But as they slowly came less and less often, I became aware of how important they were to me. I know now that I want someone who will kiss me like that when I’m eighty. And now I’m ready to wait for that type love, and because of you, I know that somewhere out there it is waiting for me.
I remember thinking how I couldn’t wait until the day we lived together and could actually spend our days and nights in the comfort that we found in each other every weekend. And as our relationship progressed and we saw each other less, I realized in those moments that I didn’t miss you, and oddly I was OK with that. So when it ended I was ready. You had spent the last 6 months teaching me how to live without you. But more importantly you had taught me how to be alone with myself and THAT is the greatest gift any one has ever given me.
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- An Open Letter to the Man Who Taught Me How to Be Alone - October 28, 2015