I am a mom, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a friend, but those all just seem to be titles I hold. They don’t necessarily represent me! I have realized that I’m 34 years old and have no clue about who I am. Well maybe I do, but it has just been lost over the past few years. It’s been misplaced as I have met every need for my family and put aside my own. My family has been my world and I love them dearly. I always ensured that their needs were met before mine. I gave all my energy to them. I would say to myself that I will meet my needs when they are all taken care of – I mean, there’s only 2 of them, how hard could that be?
Wrong! I found that more often than not, their needs would be met, my tank totally drained, leaving nothing for me to give to myself. I would then find myself in situations where I was completely tired and overwhelmed that my fuse was short and patience in even shorter supply. That’s not good! Especially for a type “A” personality and Scorpio like myself. What else was I supposed to do? Not take care of them? Well that’s not the answer. I needed to find balance, a balance that didn’t exist for me.
That is all changing now. Two months ago I received a devastating blow – my husband decided it was quitting time. He wanted a divorce. I was shocked and in utter disbelief as he said I was… selfish! What? Me? I’m the one that gave everything I had to my family – how can I be selfish? This moment in time caused me to do some – no – A lot of self-reflection. I know I am not a perfect person, but I try hard and do what I can to care for those I need to. I am hot tempered, a perfectionist, and self-diagnosed obsessive compulsive. Hello, Scorpio! Those aren’t necessarily bad things, just can make life more challenging. There are things that I want to work on, to get better and not be so anal retentive about. There couldn’t be a better time to do this. So here I go, on the road to self-discovery!
I know that the journey on this road will be really hard and frightening. It will be riddled with potholes, detours and one way streets, but it is one that needs to be taken. It isn’t wise to travel this road alone. You may get lost in the maze unmarked roads, no U-turns and dead ends without a guide or map of some sort, but worth traveling in order to discover who we are. I need to know who I am and frankly I’m kind of amazed that I don’t! I mean, how this is even possible, that you not know who you are? It’s beyond my comprehension. As Dr. Seuss says “There is no one alive who is youer than you!” Life is very much about self-discovery because I’m the only one that can be me. You are the only one that can be you!
In order to help me on my path of self-discovery and healing, I have started counseling. Like I said – it may not be wise to travel alone on this path! I don’t believe that any form of counseling should be thought of as taboo or that I should feel guilty for going. Society has placed a stigma on mental health that is unnecessary but that’s a different post all together. I think it is perfectly normal and natural for us to want to understand our minds, how they functions and why we do the things we do. I mean humans are naturally curious anyways. We want to know how computers work, or a car run. Why not learn about how our brains function? In terms of care, we are happily willing to seek medical attention for a sniffle, but heaven forbid we seek help for depression! Wait – I did say another post right? That being said, I want to know why I do many of the things that I do and the only way I can do that is by seeking someone to help me through the process. Curiosity is overcoming me – I sure hope it doesn’t kill the cat!
I’m still just starting out on this journey – barely left the driveway you could say. What I have discovered in the past month or so, is a lot of pain and negativity that I have held onto for so long. I know that these things must be healed properly in order for me to truly discover who I am. I want to focus on the good things about me. I am caring and compassionate. I am loyal to a fault. I am honest, sometimes brutally honest. I have talents that I can develop and others yet to be discovered I’m sure. Yes, I would love to focus on these good things, but the things that are not so great about me, temper and abandonment issues, they must be worked out so I can better focus on those things that make me FREAKIN’ AWESOME!
I think if we look hard enough and are willing to be honest with ourselves, we can discover those things that make us want to be better. And we can be, we just have to be willing to travel the road to self-discovery. Yes, life is about self-discovery but more about self-MASTERY! We must learn to be masters of ourselves. Masters that can control those not-so-good things (habits, tempers, addictions) and chose to proudly display the awesome! So here’s to the self-discovery that leads to self-mastery. If “the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” (Confucius) then why not take that first step running? Take the bull by the horns so-to-speak and be bold in our journey of self-discovery.
Brandy Speece
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