Many of us are members of clubs. Some of them are social, some of them are political, some of them are religious, some of them are based on a love of red wine and chocolate (and that’s the kind of club I love). But there is one club that I spent years being a part of and I am here to declare that I quit.
That club? The Unrequited Love Club.
My membership in this lovely organization started quite early. My first unrequited crush happened in 6th grade. And the sad part? The boy on whom I had a crush? Also my biggest bully in school. Yeah, that was fun and healthy. Then in 8th grade, I had a crush on my best friend. He wound up being gay. Again, that worked out well. And then in high school and college and beyond – I quite often fell for the guy who didn’t want me. Who wouldn’t ever want me. And I suffered the inevitable heartbreak that always followed.
Thanks to a lot of time in therapy, I figured out the why of being not just a member of the Unrequited Love Club but at times the president and chief promoter. The simple truth – fear. I was desperately afraid of being loved. I was desperately afraid of being abandoned and I was incredibly afraid of physical intimacy. I eventually got over my fear of physical intimacy. But the much bigger hurdle was the fear of being abandoned. I had a belief in my deepest soul that all men would do is leave me so… why not just pick men who wouldn’t want me to begin with? I could play the card of the sad, love-struck girl and never have to really be vulnerable and risk being abandoned.
Hmmm… many of us have beliefs that are not easily swayed. We can be shown evidence again and again and still – we hold tightly to our beliefs. That was me. Despite the fact that I was the one who left both of my marriages. Despite the fact that with 2 other men I loved deeply, I was the one who left. Despite the fact that my father didn’t leave me, he left my mother. I still believed that I was the one always abandoned. This was one of those beliefs that took me a long time to work through but once I saw the evidence and embraced the facts versus my story about the facts? I just had to change.
So with that – I quit. I quit the Unrequited Love Club.
Now, that didn’t mean that the world turned into sunshine and roses. I liked a few people who didn’t like me back. The difference this time was the fact that I didn’t hold on to that with a death grip. I didn’t wallow in my whole “woe is me, no one loves me” bullshit posturing. I simply acknowledged the disappointment and I moved on to the next person. Now luckily I’m in a relationship with a ton of very requited (is that a word??) love. Hopefully it lasts a long, long time but if it doesn’t – I’ll mourn the loss and move on, meet other people and perhaps like someone else who may or may not like me back. And if they don’t – then move on I shall!
I'm a single lady living in the suburbs of Philadelphia with 2 cats named Leo and Toby (after characters on "The West Wing" - one day I will have the ability to recite the entire series by heart.That's a noble goal, yes?).
I've had a varied career doing a bunch of technical stuff that isn't that interesting to folks who aren't doing it but my real passion is writing.I also get the fabulous pleasure of coaching people from time to time and that brings me amazing joy and energy.
If you want to hang with me there are things you should know:I curse.A lot.I like hoppy beer.A lot.I like big and deep red wines. A lot. I adore my friends.A lot, a lot.I am passionate about politics (or a big geek about them - you choose).I'm an accidental but rather passionate Unitarian and few things make me happier than my dining room table surrounded by people I love.And picking paint colors, let's not forget that. Find me online here.