I Love You but I Love Me More

The title for this blog post comes from “Sex and The City”. They were also the very words that I uttered in my therapist’s office on January 2nd. However, what I said specifically was “I love him, but I love me more”. The nice thing was that for once in my life, I truly believed it.

“I love you but I love me more”

How did I get to the point of uttering those words though? It began in early November. If you have read any of the things I have posted previously, you know that I went through a bad breakup in the middle of September. A BAD BREAKUP. A man with whom I was planning a life broke up with me completely unexpectedly to try to reunite with his ex-wife. It took a while but after a few weeks, I was working my way back to being me. I was working through the grief and regret and the reclamation that one needs when someone’s life totally changes direction without warning.

On election day, out of the blue, he asked me if I would like to meet him lunch. As we sat at the bar, it was clear we weren’t sure how to proceed. When I asked why he wanted to have lunch with me, he said, “you’ve been my best friend this year, the only person I could truly count on, I don’t want to lose you.” He had been that to me as well. I still missed having him in my life. Though I will be honest, it was awkward. We just didn’t quite know how to be in the same space at the same time without the romantic relationship we’d shared for close to a year. As we left, we exchanged hugs, a number of “I miss yous” and his proposal that we do it again next week.

But I needed to think about it though. This man broke my heart. Just two month prior, within the space of 24 hours we went from a conversation where we discussed our commitment to each other, what windows we wanted to replace in his TV room to a blindsided breakup. It was tough but I decided the risk of letting him back into my life was worth the potential reward. So lunch we had the following week! This lunch was longer. More discussions of how difficult our time apart had been. His declaration that he had decided that he and his ex-wife could not reconcile and a parting kiss that reminded me of what we had been.

We had decided to meet the next night – basically to re-enact our first date – same place on what would have been our one-year anniversary. Unfortunately, he was unable to find childcare for the evening as during that time he had his children fulltime. However, we decided to meet up the day before Thanksgiving. We met in the afternoon and had a fabulous time. I had discussed these meetings with my therapist a number of times and her advice for one this was to learn something that you didn’t know before. So I asked a simple question: Is there a chance that we can reconcile our relationship. His answer was yes. There’s no need to go into the full details of that night but I went home with him and we spent a great night and morning together. It felt so nice to be “home”.

After that we began to see each other once a week. He was helping me with a website for my church and we were just enjoying spending time together. We had some long talks about our relationship. No pressure, no expectations. He was in no position for those sorts of things. He was pretty depressed and he needed time to work through that before he could commit to anything. I was fine with that. I had never been in a rush in this relationship and this time was no different.

Friends of mine were worried about me. I had been so sad when he broke up with me, they didn’t want to see me get hurt. I didn’t want to see me get hurt. I said to anyone who voiced a concern: I’m ok with this relationship limbo as long as there is more good than bad and if that changes, I will reconsider. As December wore on, I began to be less ok with this relationship limbo. I loved him but I knew he just wasn’t in any position to be in any sort of relationship. I also suspected he wasn’t being completely honest about our agreement to tell one another if we were going to see other people. The last night we spent together was December 27th and something was just off. We had a nice afternoon and night but I left that next morning and decided to take the time during the trip he was taking to Florida as a time for me to decide what I want. I wanted him but not if I couldn’t trust him. I couldn’t tell you why but my gut was telling me that something was off. That was enough for me to know I needed to be done with this part of our relationship.

There was still the pull to not “pull the plug.” His first day in Florida, he sent me a message stating how my trip to Florida at the end of February didn’t do him any good during this trip. It was things like that, which were always a pull for me. But the more the trip wore on, the more I just felt disconnected.

Then on the morning of January 2nd, I saw a photo on Facebook of him and a woman. Well, two women were in the photo. One I knew to be a friend of his from childhood and the other one was a woman who I had been told was his 24 year old cousin who was helping him care for his children. This woman was not 24. I also knew in my heart that she wasn’t his cousin. I was done. That morning I went to my therapist to discuss this and when I said pretty quickly “I love him but I love me more”, I knew what I had to do. I decided that when he returned, I would see if he would bring up the trip and if he didn’t, I would confront him about what I saw and tell him that I couldn’t continue on as we were in December.

I was sad but I was also at peace about it. I had given it another shot. I knew I wouldn’t wonder if I had let him go without a fight. I just knew he wasn’t in a place to be the man I knew I needed him to be.

Most importantly, I knew that loving me more means I’m holding out for the man I need. Hopefully I find him soon!

Amanda Lipnack

If you truly want to curl my toes, give me a chance to make a difference - for you, for the community, for the world.Few things make me happier than supporting the folks around me to be the best and happiest people they can be.This, of course, winds up taking on a multitude of flavors but generally comes through by being a good friend, a good coach and an excellent paint color picker.

I'm a single lady living in the suburbs of Philadelphia with 2 cats named Leo and Toby (after characters on "The West Wing" - one day I will have the ability to recite the entire series by heart.That's a noble goal, yes?).

I've had a varied career doing a bunch of technical stuff that isn't that interesting to folks who aren't doing it but my real passion is writing.I also get the fabulous pleasure of coaching people from time to time and that brings me amazing joy and energy.

If you want to hang with me there are things you should know:I curse.A lot.I like hoppy beer.A lot.I like big and deep red wines. A lot. I adore my friends.A lot, a lot.I am passionate about politics (or a big geek about them - you choose).I'm an accidental but rather passionate Unitarian and few things make me happier than my dining room table surrounded by people I love.And picking paint colors, let's not forget that. Find me online here.

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