I turned 40 on March 16, 2013. This was during one of the darkest times of my life. About six weeks after my birthday, I went on a trip with two friends to San Francisco. On that trip, my dear friend Andrea gave me a necklace. On one side is a ship’s wheel and on the other is the phrase “what you think, you become”. At that point, I thought nothing but bad things about myself. I was about six weeks from ending my marriage, I felt like the world’s biggest failure. I felt as unloved, unwanted and as broken as humanly possible.
Andrea, being the smart woman she is, gave me this necklace to remind me just how incredibly powerful my thoughts can be. I put it on and with few exceptions, wore it daily for almost two years.
In May of 2015, my boyfriend had a major health crisis. After that resolved, we went on a trip and he bought me a necklace as a thank you for taking such great care of him while he was ill. I wore that necklace not 100% of the time because it wasn’t one of those things that were easy to wear with others but I wore it way more often than not. I loved it. I loved the design and I loved what it represented. His love and appreciation for me and the care I gave to him. I also loved the smile he got on his face when someone would compliment me on it and I told the story. It felt like the outward symbol of that which we were building.
Then we broke up.
The day after the split, I went to his house to pick up my things and to return the few things of his that I had and I gave him back the necklace. I knew I’d never be able to wear it again. I did this while he wasn’t home so I wonder often what he thought when he saw that I gave it back. I wonder what he has done with it. Regardless, I knew that this piece of jewelry would bring me way too much pain, even if it sat in the bottom of my jewelry box.
As I pick up the pieces of my heart and try to figure out how to heal and what the next steps might be, I put Andrea’s necklace back on.
what you think, you become
Right now as I process this pain, there are so many things that I could think.
What did I do wrong?
How could I have changed this outcome?
Why is this happening to me?
Why wasn’t I good enough to be the one he chose?
How could he have lied to me?
But instead I choose to think:
I loved him with all of my heart.
I was so good to him.
Being with him made me so unbelievably happy.
I know better now what to look for and what to avoid.
I am capable of being truly me, being truly loved and loving back.
I miss him. I miss him with every cell of my body.
I was loved.
As I move through this process, I am dedicated to do this right. I am dedicated to acting with maturity, integrity and from my heart. My moment-by-moment chant to myself is to just do the next right thing. Just do the next right thing. I knew immediately yesterday that the next right thing was putting on the necklace that healed me before as I know it will heal me again.
I'm a single lady living in the suburbs of Philadelphia with 2 cats named Leo and Toby (after characters on "The West Wing" - one day I will have the ability to recite the entire series by heart.That's a noble goal, yes?).
I've had a varied career doing a bunch of technical stuff that isn't that interesting to folks who aren't doing it but my real passion is writing.I also get the fabulous pleasure of coaching people from time to time and that brings me amazing joy and energy.
If you want to hang with me there are things you should know:I curse.A lot.I like hoppy beer.A lot.I like big and deep red wines. A lot. I adore my friends.A lot, a lot.I am passionate about politics (or a big geek about them - you choose).I'm an accidental but rather passionate Unitarian and few things make me happier than my dining room table surrounded by people I love.And picking paint colors, let's not forget that. Find me online here.