My marriage wasn’t a failure. My divorce was a success.
People love to give their opinions on how much a failure others are. Especially when faced with beliefs that go against the grain or refuse to conform. But in reality, what one person views as a failure, another views as a success.
You see, my marriage may have ended, but it was very much a success. It successfully taught me what NOT to do in a marriage and how marriages aren’t supposed to work.
Stop assuming they’ll understand what you want & drop the expectations
When my ex and I got married, we loved each other, but we never considered how the other one ticked or what they really wanted from life. I came from a family where activities were more important than appearances. His family valued appearances over activities. His expectations were I would work outside the house, maintain a semi spotless house and fulfill all those “wifey” duties. I expected that if I was working, household maintenance would be a shared task, dinners would be cooked together and we would act more like team mates. Neither of us communicated these issues which caused problem two….
Communicate your feelings and emotions.
Nine times out of ten, my ex would say something hurtful out of frustration. I realize now, he may not have actually meant what he said, but the fact is that he said it. Every miscommunication pushed us farther apart, until it reached the point where he sought affection elsewhere and I was left to fend for myself (though at the time, I didn’t know it).
Have sex regularly.
Not joking here. My ex and I would go months without sex. When the sex was gone, the fights would ensue. We fought a lot less when our nooky was on a regular “schedule”. There’s the whole chemistry thing there.
Be a little adventurous.
Do something that makes you uncomfortable. Eat random foods that you normally wouldn’t. Kangaroo? Alligator? Check. Check. Don’t limit sex to the bedroom, or heck even your house. But don’t get too crazy now. No need to go to jail over keeping your relationship together.
Be the team you are.
Sure, you’re exhausted after working full time, and the other is exhausted from raising the kids. But don’t expect that either of you should do everything alone. Make dinner together, wash dishes together, fold the laundry together. It may not be the romance you expected, but it’s a bonding experience in itself.
Have your own hobbies but do things on together too. Ask deep thought provoking questions except after sex. Wear their favorite lingerie, bake their favorite cookies. Don’t fall into a rhythm where you forget to appreciate them. Tell them you love them, daily. Tell them you miss them. Thank them for bringing home dinner, taking out the trash, putting the kids to bed.
Rules are made to be broken. Respect is a must. Never get used to people. There is huge value in the phrase “kiss and makeup”. Just do it.
My first marriage ended in one giant explosion. But it was successful in teaching me what I really want. And if I ever make it to a second marriage, it’ll really be until death (or vodka drunken murder) do us part.